Why I Hate Latisse

{This post was originally published in May of 2011.}

I’ve always been one of those girls who people describe as very smart with a great sense of humor.

Close your eyes and picture someone who has been described with only those words. What do you see?  Be honest.

Now before you think I’m begging for compliments and start filling up my comments with, “I’ve seen you! You’re cute!”, let me add that I do have some attractive physical features.  My point is that those are not so noteworthy that they come to mind first (or second or third or fourth) when people describe me.

While some supermodel types have been blessed with a laundry list of physical assets from long legs to a beautiful face to Michelle Obama arms, I was born with just a couple stand out features. Most notably I’ve always had great hair, a great – pardon the expression – rack, and gorgeous long eyelashes.  After giving birth to two amazing children who sucked the life force from me, my hair downgraded to standard.  My once long, luscious mane is now best kept in a shorter style with some quirky highlights to distract the eye from thinner areas. The rack?  Well, here’s the thing about that.  Anyone can purchase one of those. And here’s where it gets tricky.

I cannot finance a pair of legs that go on for miles no matter how good my credit score, so it’s always bothered me that any Suzie Q who wants my cup size can just purchase a pair like she’s buying a used Escort.

This brings me to my eyelashes. I have long, thick eyelashes that curl at just the right moment without the use of that medieval torture device called an eyelash curler and even without the purchase of the miracle mascara du jour.  Instead, Maybelline Great Lash and I have been turning heads together since the early 90’s. My eyelashes are so distracting that once in high school a crazy girl named Renee whose hair was teased so high it nearly touched the ceiling tried to pull my “fake eyelashes” off in the cafeteria.  Needless to say my contact popped out instead and Renee was no longer trusted within arms length of my face.

Then along comes Latisse. I hoped with all of my being that it was a trick, some medical smoke and mirror game that would leave women disappointed and thin lashed.  After all, this was my final physical frontier.  I needed to protect my territory. But instead I hear story after story of lashes that go on for miles, thick, dark, deliriously delicious.  Suddenly there’s nothing about my physical appearance that cannot be replicated with just a visit to the doctor.

I hate you, Latisse.

At least I’m still smart with a great sense of humor.

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  • So hostile! That Latisse has some freaky side effects- skin darkening, iris pigmentation. You won’t have me competing for your sexy lashes title.

    • Amy

      Astacia, thank you for going with hostile instead of bitter. It sound more proactive. 😉

  • bla bla bla. I can tell by the photo that you’re quite lovely so quite your moanin’ sister and go get some Latisse, cause if ya can’t beat ’em, join ’em!

    (great post!)


  • You can’t fake smart, right? I know you can’t. I tried. People catch on.

    • Amy

      Yeah, I had some students who used to try that. Never worked.

  • ha ha – for a second there I thought it was a review post.

    I agree with you though. I’ve managed to maintain my stomach over the years but now anyone can go out and purchase their own slimmer stomach – now I’ve got nothing on anybody 😀

  • LOL–I have to say that I am obsessed with Latisse! Even if it means my lashes are so long that when I wear glasses they annoy me by brushing against the lenses. But take heart–my hair still sucks, and while I’ll spring for Latisse, I can’t afford extensions.

    • Amy

      You and about 75% of Olney. 😉

  • What cracks me up is Latisse was originally created for those who have a medical need to have longer eyelashes. As strange as it sounds, having short eyelashes can be a real pain in the, well, eye.

    But yet again it has turned into a cosmetic enhancement thing, much like Botox.

    When will we keep medical procedures as medical procedures and stop finding a way to turn them into the latest Hollywood trend?

  • meredith

    If u read.the fine print on latisse it says once u stop using it ur eyelashes nearly fall out and go back to how they originally were.. I Dnt think its worth the hassle or money to do it for years.. Dnt worry its a fad!

  • Barbara

    I give your “snarky” post, your lashes, and your sense of humor a #TU.


    • Amy

      Awww! The #TU! Awesomesauce 🙂

  • Lindsay

    Renee’s hair WAS teased about that high. You forgot the part about how there was so much hairspray an f2 tornado couldn’t take it down.

    • Amy

      I bet it is still teased like that.

  • Sarah pinnix

    My dance teacher uses Larissa, BUT… She told me it’s the same stuff as the cataracts medicine. So if you get some of that and it’s a lot less expensive. :p

  • Sarah pinnix

    Latisse. Dang auto correct!

  • I heard that it doesn’t work. So I hope that makes your cutey patootey feel better!!!

  • This is a great post! Love your sense of humor and great writing.

  • No worries here hun, those lash enhancers may give some longer lashes, but as for thick and lush? Nah… I know women who live around here that use it and their lashes have grown a bit longer but in a spidery way…One dermatologist I spoke to, who tried it, told me that she ended up having to cut her lashes because they grew too long and spidery, not at all fuller or darker. She straight out told me it’s not worth the money. I too used to be accused of wearing fake lashes in HS, but the last couple years, my lashes have lost their natural curl and become way less lush. You are gorgeous and you will always stand out in a crowd. 🙂

  • I feel you! God given gifts are suddenly easily purchased and suddenly everyone can look like everyone else. haha… at least they can’t take inner beauty, a sense of humor, and brains away! Bimbos will always be bimbos? X)

  • The part in the Latisse ad about itchy, red, irritated eyes makes my eyes itch. Side effects are too severe for me. I’ve never used an eyelash curler either.

  • I don’t even know what Latisse is! I guess I should google is.

    You have, very good hair.

    • For awhile all the moms around here were getting it from their eye doctors. No, really.

  • Amber

    Too many side effects! I mean, it can permanently turn blue eyes brown?! No thank you.

    P.S. I’m still super proud of my 38HH’s. I can at least say that they’re God given.

  • Amy (Sunny)

    This cracked me up! I remember my mom saying that when I was a baby, someone stopped her and said why are you putting mascara on your baby! Flash forward to the cruel world of 50 something! I have a therapy..ya don’t mess with what Hod gave ya! But alas, I succumbed to permanent eyeliner and never looked back. Well, it’s not like I could look back or side to side as I am old(er)!! I’ll stick with my green and pink tube thank you!

    • Amy (Sunny)

      That would be theory, or maybe therapy, who knows-I also had to go to glasses. But the alternative is not an option! Pushing daisies!