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Torn

Mondays tear me up.  More accurately, they tear me down.

I always knew I would be a stay-at-home mom, and immediately after giving birth to my first child, I decided that I never wanted to return to teaching.  Our original family plan was to head back to the classroom when our first child entered kindergarten, putting our second child in full day daycare around the age of three.  Once I became a mom, even the thought of dropping off my child at 6:45 every morning and picking him up at 5:00 every evening made me physically ill. It turned out that our two kid plan worked perfectly, but I was not built for the rest of the plan.  I decided to change course.  No, I jumped ship altogether.

When I felt the “return to work” date approaching, I threw a Hail Mary pass and created this blog.  There was no way I could have guessed that a fledgling freelance writing career would develop into a marketing and professional writing business.  Suddenly instead of throwing desperate passes, I was juggling.

This year is my son’s final year in pre-school, and while I love the idea of having my 9:00 to 4:00 to myself when he goes to kindergarten next year, there is a piece of me that aches at the thought.  I think this tiny heartbreak is what kept me from enrolling him in five day pre-school, so every Monday he is home with me all day. What initially seemed like a dream – one day a week just to us! – has become a nightmare.  Monday mornings are frantic in the offices of my clients, and while I try to run to the park, play board games, and plan crafts, the very source of income that allows my son to be home with me is keeping me from him.

And my heartbreak grows.

Yesterday was a bad day with unscheduled calls and last minute changes to plans.  The weather added to the chaos as afternoon storms shifted to morning rain making a trip to the park and away from the computer impossible.  Game after game, toy after toy, puzzle after puzzle was pushed to the side by my aggravated child while client after client demanded my attention.

I love what I do.

I miss my son.

Mondays are hard.  And yesterday was a bad Monday.

Comments

  1. 1
    Sara @Doodle741 says:

    I hope next Monday more than makes up for yesterday’s bad one! ((HUG))

  2. 2
    @savvysavinmama
    Follow on Twitter: savvysavinmama
    says:

    Wow. I know the feeling of “torn” with SAHM related things for sure. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I find myself kind of panicking about WHAT I will do when my 3 year old starts Kindergarten. I mean, I’ve stayed at home for 6 years (starting with my first born). It’s what I do! It’s what I know!

    I appreciate you sharing your feelings out in the open about these things. There have been many days I’ve felt like “jumping ship” too! So many moms struggle no matter what sort of job they have, and it’s great that we all can share our torn feelings on life!

  3. 3
    Candace
    Follow on Twitter: Candaceapril
    says:

    I started freelancing before kids because recertifying for each military move was frustrating as TX teacher salaries were abysmal. Other than that, I am right there with you!

    My eldest goes to three mornings of preschool. Kindergarten will be half days, everyday. If it were full day, I’m not sure we would do it!

    I love being able to work from home and most days it is the best of both worlds…but somedays I feel torn and like I’m just falling short in all areas.

    No way you can switch to having a different day with him?
    Candace recently posted..In Like a Lion- Out Like a Lamb

  4. 4
    Alissa
    Follow on Twitter: AlissaEnders
    says:

    Here’s to hoping next Monday is better. I’ll be sending you good energy.

  5. 5
    Roslyn Mommy says:

    I completely understand how you feel. I work 5 days a week, but two of them are at home with my 2-year old. Those days really tear me apart. Because he’s so young he doesn’t understand that Mommy has work to do and he is not one to sit and play independently. So he drags me away from my computer and cries when I don’t play with him, which upsets me so much. Then I start crying! Most of the time I cave because I know I need to enjoy these moments with him, which won’t last forever. Work will always be there.

  6. 6

    I hope your next Monday is better.

    This feeling of being “torn” is one that parents who work full-time, 5 days a week like me, feel everyday.

    It was hard for me this year as my son started Pre-K at an elementary school plus aftercare five days a week…he’s at school from 8:00am to 5:30pm every day. We weren’t sure how he would handle it at first, but the fact is, he loves it. Well, he doesn’t like the getting up at 6:15am, but that’s more of a genetic thing than anything else.

    Mothers all around the world, no matter what type of work arrangement they choose can sympathize with you. Especially on days like your Monday was…whether it’s due to weather, to illness, or a childcare provider being closed for the week.

    The amazing thing is that we have opportunities that a lot of grandmothers did not.

    Do I miss some of that time I don’t get to spend with my son during the week because I’ve chosen to work full-time? You know I do. But we make up for it on the weekends. While our situation may not work for every family, it works for our family.

    As moms, doing what works best for our family is probably one of the most important things we can do.

    I’m proud to be your friend because even though you had days like yesterday, you still strive to do what you love to do without compromising your love for family.
    Jessica Smith recently posted..See Who Viewed Your LinkedIn Profile for New Business- Hiring- and Reconnecting with Old Friends

  7. 7

    I hear you! When I was driving to pick up my daughter at preschool this morning, I was thinking that it’s time to start setting boundaries on my blogging time. I need to sit down and develop a schedule, because I’ve reached the point where I could spend 24/7 on it. But that’s what a “could” do, not what I “want” to do.

    Sounds like you need boundaries too? What do we tell our kids, “boundaries and sharing”? Maybe 1/2 monday with clients and 1/2 with child? I’m going to work on my schedule right now – thanks for the push.

  8. 8
    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting
    Follow on Twitter: crazyadventures
    says:

    Oh sweetie, I’m sorry to hear that Monday was a bad day for you. Here’s to hoping next Monday is twice as awesome to make up for yesterday <3
    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting recently posted..1000th Post! Whoa

  9. 9

    That’s so hard. I am struggling with my son going to school more hours, come fall, as well.

    You can make it up to him….
    Holly at Tropic of Mom recently posted..Giving it up

  10. 10
    Crissy Page
    Follow on Twitter: crissy
    says:

    Totally get where you’re coming from. I am dying inside already thinking about preschool and my kid is only 18 months old.
    Crissy Page recently posted..Announcing a New Feature on Dear Crissy—Check out the Photoblog!

  11. 11

    I totally hear you. I worked FT with Big Roo but I really didn’t have a choice. I HAD to. After Little Roo was born in Feb 2010, I went down to part-time. Now I’m freelancing due to getting laid off. I have a hard time leaving the baby with anyone… maybe because I now know what it’s like to be home with the kids whereas when I went straight back to work, I didn’t know any different!

    Anyway, Mondays are hard here too as I have no childcare but want to get a jump on the week. Hang in there!
    Melissa {adventuroo} recently posted..How to Make a Paper Bunting

  12. 12
    MommaDJane
    Follow on Twitter: MommaDJane
    says:

    I so dread when my Noah starts school this August. He already goes to Pre-K in the mornings now and I miss him dearly. They do grow up so fast.
    MommaDJane recently posted..A Look Into My Green Office – Project We

  13. 13

    (twitter ID: julierosesmk)

    Any way that you could train your clients to not contact you on Mondays? If it’s your day off, they should respect that. YOU are in charge of your schedule, not the clients.

    I DO understand the constant demands on your time; I now have 3 grown children. They still want to come for a visit, go out to lunch, movies, etc. I schedule them in like I do everything else – but I give them extra hours (they deserve that ;) ). My husband now is demanding time as well – sigh.

    Bright side: my hubby works 3rd shift, so he sleeps during the afternoons and early evenings, which gives me time for clients and errands and cleaning and well, all the rest of life. There is hope – all of the moms I know are very adept at managing time, schedules, multiple demands and projects, be that family or friends or work-related. I’m sure you are too. And, when your kids are grown, they’ll still think you’re cool and want to spend their free time with you!!! Hugs.

  14. 14

    Sigh.
    That was lovely and sad…and as a freelancer, my office never is closed. My daughter has expressed herself and let me know she needs more face time with me — with no screen or phone on. I am working toward that. She matters.
    Carrie at TikiTikiBlog! recently posted..What The Farm Maiden Stirred Giveaway

  15. 15
    ConnieFoggles
    Follow on Twitter: ConnieFoggles
    says:

    Amy, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. As moms, we have an extra guilt gene no matter how much we do for our children. I hope your days get better.
    ConnieFoggles recently posted..Being Distracted Didn’t Work

  16. 16
    Molly Gold
    Follow on Twitter: MyGOMOM
    says:

    Amy its so hard to juggle hiccups of increased work because we don’t always see them coming so we can make arrangements and keep our kids needs met with equal immediacy. I know that sounds bad but its oh so true and every work at home Mom has to handle it the hard way ~ by walking through it and realizing it might be time to make a change to bridge the gap. And really there are only 2 choices…manage the work or manage the child. Plan A Less work means not needing to change the structure for your child. Plan B More work means change before you are ready to let go of your child. And then there is that Plan C ~ that friend who is your I’m slammed can you take him and I’ll pay you for your time. Good luck Mom =)
    Molly Gold recently posted..5 Tips to Prepare for Disney Social Media Moms 2011

  17. 17

    Oh, I so get this. I have many, many days where I feel like this. More than I am comfortable with. It’s hard.
    Kristen recently posted..what I want you to know- how my baby healed me from myself

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