Once upon a time there was a girl who had a very serious boyfriend – in fact, they planned on getting married – and this boyfriend decided to buy a very pink item for this girl. A very lacy, pink item. In the wrong size (and the wrong pink…like a really wrong pink). The girl was not pleased, but was mostly confused why her boyfriend wanted her to dress like Sweet to Sleezy Barbie. Didn’t he love her just the way she was? You know, naked?
Here’s what men and anyone who actually looks good in lingerie might not realize: women who are not terribly comfortable in their bodies don’t like to dress them up in brightly colored, tight-fitting contraptions. Most people actually look far better naked than they do in oddly designed undergarments. In fact, I’m pretty sure that Victoria’s secret is that she doesn’t even wear underwear because they make her butt look big.
Fast forward to this week. After ten years of marriage and a variety of hits and misses in the present department (low: a broken necklace, high: diamond earrings – SCORE), that boy and that girl who fought over that little pink bag of nonsense had come to an understanding. The truth is that gifts make me uncomfortable and create awkward moments. Last week when I saw my husband hovering over his laptop protectively, I felt a wave of nausea. He hadn’t asked me what I wanted for my birthday, so if he was on some hunt for the perfect present, it was going to end badly. I caught his gaze and very sternly said, “No birthday presents.” I don’t remember his response because at that point I was mentally already in the corner, curled up in a fetal position.
Why am I telling you all of this and what does this have to do with Mamavation? The answer to the former is that I have an issue with boundaries and I habitually overshare. You’re welcome. The answer to the latter is that when I returned from a social media conference on Sunday, I was wiped out, ready to get some sleep, physically drained. As of today I am down thirty pounds thanks to the Mamavation sistahs and @Bookieboo, but when I stand naked in the shower, I look down and see the exact same body, only smaller. Trying on clothing for the conference wasn’t much easier than it was a year and thirty pounds ago. The items I’m trying on are three sizes smaller, but look the same to me. In fact, right now my favorite body part is my shoulder. My shoulder. Everything else is still stuck in purgatory between love and hate. So tired, exhausted, worn out from having to be “on” for four days, I walked into my bedroom at half past bedtime to find a giant, pink box sitting on the bed. “An early birthday present” were the words that greeted me. For me?
Apparently every ten years men purge all memories of past relationship mistakes and begin making them all over again.
My husband is an amazing man who is phenomenally supportive and has cheered me on through my weight loss journey. He loves me big, he loves me small. And apparently he likes pink. That’s the only answer I can come up with…
I put on a brave face, but inside I was screaming, “Don’t buy things to put on my body! I am not that comfortable with what I buy to put on my body! Why do you think that you know what feels good on me?” Bottoms? Too big. Tops? Too small. So here I am thirty pounds lighter and still dealing with some major insecurities. And a big box of stuff under my bed. Husbands, let this be a cautionary tale. Gift card. GIFT. CARD.
Post Script: Why Mamavation Monday on Tuesday? Great question. It took me 48 hours to write this and so my birthday his now nearly over along with Mamavation Monday. My other birthday presents? A desk lamp, a work out shirt, and a gray fleece…to match my gray fleece. Seriously, guys, just hand us the cash.
Post Post Script. Or Post Script Script. Addendum: This was not my only gift. I also received two slips of paper good for dinner and a night at our local theater. Because my husband’s idea of theater is Farrelly not Stoppard, I’ll probably trade them in for movie tickets and save theater night for when my girlfriends are in town visiting. But it was a great idea!!