Dear Youth of the Nation,
Do you like that? I didn’t call you whippersnappers, shake my cane at you, or yell at you to get off my lawn. In a gesture of good faith, I’m willing to refer to you as youth. Let’s begin this conversation from a civilized place, shall we?
This Thursday evening at 7 p.m. – yes, on a school night – I am taking my cozy little family of four to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens in a theater near my home. When I purchased the tickets, I was stupid happy. Off the charts giddy. I am going to experience Episode 7 with my children in the theater at the very first showing to the general public. Other parents, bow down to my awesome.
And then I went to see the final Hunger Games flick on opening weekend.
Kids, you are a chatty bunch. My husband and I inadvertently attended a movie in a theater filled with barely post-pubescent, not-even-remotely respectful, hitch-a-ride-with-their-parents movie goers. They talked a lot leading up to the start of the film, and they twittered nervously – no, not the social media platform, the annoying noise – throughout much of the movie. Any moment that was remotely related to anything even slightly romantic in the least led to near hysteria. And the scene near the end with the cat, the interaction that was supposed to supply me with the cathartic cry I needed, well forget it. Mass hysteria broke out when someone yelled, “The HELL???” and all of you rude little peons began shouting and talking and…
I needed a moment. Let’s get this back on track.
So here’s the thing about Episode 7. And please try to hear me on this.
Tough to grasp? Here’s an illustration:
Ya’ll. You don’t even tolerate waiting for thirty-two seconds for anything. You probably don’t even like that I wrote out thirty-two seconds. 32 sec. Better?
You know how upset you get when your favorite series does a winter finale and you have to wait until February to find out the next twist in the story?
THIRTY. TWO. YEARS. !!!!!
So please, if you join me in the theater tomorrow, bring your best manners. Bring your the principal just walked into the room manners. Bring your grandma came over for dinner manners. Bring your if I back talk one more time I’m going to lose my phone for a month manners.
Don’t laugh at my family for our matching Star Wars tees.
Don’t point mockingly at my Rebel Alliance pin.
And don’t – DO NOT – talk during the movie or I will get up, use my cell phone light to find you, and make use of the fact that I’ve got money saved for bail for just a time such as this.
Now please enjoy the film.
p.s. Don’t make me use my light saber.