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Why Am I Invisible – A Response

Some bloggers check their “stats” weekly daily hourly to see how many visitors have come to their sites, how long they stayed there, what posts they’ve read, how they got there, etc.  For many bloggers, these stats are a constant source of anxiety.  I am very grateful that for whatever reason, most days they aren’t anywhere on my radar.  I do, however, occasionally log in to my statistics tracking tool to find out fun things like if anyone in Abu Dhabi is reading my blog (Shout out to Abu Dhabi!) or if my ex-boyfriend is using the computer at the prison where he works to check on his ex-girlfriend (Yeah, I totally see you, buddy).

Another fun fact my stats show me is what search engine terms people are using that result in a visit to Resourceful Mommy.  This fall tons of readers found me while trying to find out how to make Jake and the Neverland Pirates costumes, and I’m fairly sure that everyone who has ever compared the MobiGo to the Leapster has stopped by here at least once.  Anyone who Googles hey look I’m naked will find me at the top of the recommended sites thanks to my idiotic post title after an even more idiotic technical error.  My apologies to all of the thirteen year old boys googling that phrase and finding me. Major bummer.

Most of the time the search terms that bring people to my site either make complete sense like the Jake costumes or are laughable like the naked reference, but this week I saw that someone came to Resourceful Mommy after googling “Why am I invisible to my husband.” When I saw that search term it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, my first thought – why would Google send her to me!? Turns out that Google suggested that she read my post about the shirt with invisible sleeves, which she apparently did.  But my very next thought was even more upsetting – I pictured a woman sitting at her computer, tears streaming down her face, desperately turning to Dr. Google to find out what was going wrong in her marriage. I wanted to pick up the digital thread leading back to her and tug on it until I found something connecting me to her.  Did she get anything out of my post? Did she at least laugh? Did she curse Google for confusing invisible sleeves with invisible wives?

I don’t know if she’ll ever come back here – maybe if she wants to know why kids need vegetables! – but if she does, I want her to find this response to her question.

1. You are not invisible. I see you. I tried to see you more clearly, but the internet is weird like that so I couldn’t really see you, but I’ve certainly been thinking about you.

2. Your husband sees you, too.  I have no idea what’s going on in your marriage – it may really really suck – so I’m not going to take away from that.  But he sees you.  You know what else?  Like all of us, he’s got a lot on his mind.  My husband once walked right past me while I was lying naked on the bed, and while you can see from my “hey look I’m naked” post that that’s not necessarily a terribly exciting thing, he is a smart enough man to know it was going to get him something fun. And yet he walked right by me.  What would cause a man to walk right past his naked wife? I’ll tell you what it wasn’t – It wasn’t that he doesn’t love me, doesn’t desire me, doesn’t enjoy being with me.  It wasn’t even that he didn’t see me.  It turns out that he was thinking about putting sodas in the fridge so that I’d have cold caffeine waiting for me in the morning. So let’s change you being invisible to him being distracted.

3. While I’m happy that Google sent you to me, I want to change your search term from “Why am I invisible to my husband” to “How can I help my husband see me?”  We probably aren’t going to really answer the “why” although I’m putting most of my money on distracted/stressed/busy/hurt/dealing with stuff inside his own head/tired/overwhelmed/hungry.  What we can answer is a question my best friend asks me all the time – Now what? Earlier this week your answer to “now what?” was to turn to Google.  When I’m feeling ignored by my husband, my “now what” is often to shut down, get quiet, hurt myself with my thoughts about his motives, get angry.  None of those things are productive.  However, when I instead use that feeling to motivate me to try to reconnect with him – and yes, it apparently takes more than throwing my naked self on my bed at night as he walks by – it tends to result in great conversations, time spent enjoying each other again, and relief.  Deciding to put it on yourself to help alleviate the problem when it feels like the problem is his or at least his fault is so frustrating.  I am the queen of “but I’m RIGHT,” so I get that. Right there with you.  But trust me that feeling better feels better no matter how you get there.

Maybe today you’re Googling “sexy lingerie” or “top Christmas presents for men” or even “divorce for Dummies.”  I’ll probably never know.  But I hope that whatever it is, you’re in a better place than you were in when you found me. And I hope that if you find me again, this helps.



Comments

  1. 1

    Very well said! I hope she makes her way back! You have amazing posts and I hope this one helps!

  2. 6
    Kim - Mommycosm
    Follow on Twitter: Mommycosm
    says:

    I think we’ve all felt invisible at some point and I love your “now what?”

    It’s obvious to me why Dr. Google led her to you – in some weird, cosmic, kismet sort of way – you get it. I hope she does see this and that it helps.

  3. 8
    Cathi Crismon
    Follow on Twitter: simplycathi
    says:

    Cheers to your words Amy! If she ever makes it back to you … she should know that she has a huge support system just waiting to boost her up and give her virtual hugs!!

  4. 10

    well said, Amy!

  5. 12
    Christina Gleason @ Cutest Kid Ever
    Follow on Twitter: WELLinTHIShouse
    says:

    Oh my goodness. I’ve had my share of ridiculous search terms – I still feel bad for everyone who Googles [cutest boobs ever] and finds our calendar – but I haven’t had any that ever made me think so much as this woman’s search did for you. I hope she finds the answers she is looking for.

    • 13
      Amy
      Follow on Twitter: ResourcefulMom
      says:

      Christina, I feel like we need to write a note on the calendar post. *this is before anyone convinced Amy to try push-up or padded bras*

  6. 14
    amy @teachmama
    Follow on Twitter: teachmama
    says:

    Amy. I hope she somehow finds you–and when she does, this post will totally put a smile on her face.

  7. 16
    Melissa
    Follow on Twitter: sippycupmom
    says:

    What a great post. I hope she comes back and reads this.

  8. 18

    i really love this post. *really*

  9. 20
    Keonte'
    Follow on Twitter: IamKeonte
    says:

    Amy…excellent! Even though it was intended for “her”, I’m sure a lot of “us” took something away from this post.

    And if I’m ever anticipating public speaking, I will somehow resort to an image of you lying naked on the bed. Yeah…I want there. LOL!

  10. 24
    Andrea (Lil-Kid-Things)
    Follow on Twitter: AndreaUpdyke
    says:

    One of the hardest lessons I am still learning is to change the why to a “now what”. Thanks so much for this!

  11. 26
    MJ from iNeedaplaydate
    Follow on Twitter: mryjhnsn
    says:

    What a sad search to begin with but how wonderful that you turned it into something she may see one day, hopefully, at least unless she got the divorce.

  12. 28
    Shannan
    Follow on Twitter: slpowell
    says:

    This post makes me sad for the woman who felt she had to search for those answers, I hope she found what she needed and finds her way back here to see that people do care and understand.

    At the same time, this post makes me proud to be your friend. Anyone who cares enough to reach out to a stranger who stumbled across her site from a Google search is the right kind of friend to have. I love you!!

  13. 30
    The Southern Product Queen
    Follow on Twitter: S_P_Queen
    says:

    Great post. It breaks my heart to imagine a sweet lady googling why she feels invisible to her husband. I would love to take her out for wine and ice cream! lol! This is my first time reading your blog, and its amazing! I know she is a returning reader and fan like I am!

  14. 33
    DadStreet
    Follow on Twitter: DadStreet
    says:

    Another great post Amy! Not only did it show how thoughtful, caring, sensitive, and human you are it clearly pointed out that you have brilliant friends. Keep on keepin’ on! ;)

  15. 36
    asmithonline
    Follow on Twitter: asmithonline
    says:

    Oh my gosh no way?? Is he seriously virtually stalking you? That’s a problem!!

    Men are blind, that’s all there is to it. I think they day dream a lot or something. This post reminds me of a bizarre “damn you auto correct” screenshot, lol – everybody is thinking something different at the same time.

  16. 38
    Amanda
    Follow on Twitter: highimpactmom
    says:

    Ok. I’m crying now. I love you for writing this post. I love that you CARE enough to write an entire post for a woman that you don’t know with certainty will ever find her way back. But if she does, Amy is here for her….and so are the rest of us.

  17. 40
    Rachel Blaufeld
    Follow on Twitter: backngroovemom
    says:

    Only around for 1 year, I cannot believe the terms that come to me AND often they are the craziest queries related to people tagged in my blog….thankfully, I can keep a secret!!

    As for your reader, I hope she comes back — you are a sweet soul, Rachel

  18. 42
    april yedinak says:

    A very interesting and touching post. While I am sad for the woman who asked the question, your concern for a stranger gives me hope.

  19. 43

    What a great post! I love the creative twist on checking stats [yes, I do that too] and the anonymous trail of visitors. It’s a double sided issue to not have to face every person who ‘walks’ int the shop. Thanks for addressing that anxiety and issue!

  20. 44

    I love this! You are a great writer & story teller!! I need better stats for my blog haha

    It is interesting what can bring a person to your blog & posts though…Gotta love google lol

Trackbacks

  1. [...] Why am I invisible – Response at Resourceful Mommy is Amy’s helping hand for the lonely googler who found her blog asking why she is invisible to her husband. [...]

  2. [...] Most of the time the search terms that bring people to my site either make complete sense like the Jake costumes or are laughable like the naked reference, but this week I saw that someone came toResourceful Mommy after googling “Why am I invisible to my husband.”   Continue reading… [...]

  3. [...] jeans really do make my butt look great, but I do believe I’ve had some funny and even moving posts (don’t miss comment #46).  And I have so much more to say.  I’d like to tell you the [...]

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