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And Then He Bought Me Lingerie: Mamavation Monday

Mom, dad, coworkers, anyone who knows my husband: It’s time to click away. The site will still be here tomorrow, and you’ll be happy you waited to visit.  K, thanks..

Once upon a time there was a girl who had a very serious boyfriend – in fact, they planned on getting married – and this boyfriend decided to buy a very pink item for this girl.  A very lacy, pink item.  In the wrong size (and the wrong pink…like a really wrong pink).  The girl was not pleased, but was mostly confused why her boyfriend wanted her to dress like Sweet to Sleezy Barbie.  Didn’t he love her just the way she was?  You know, naked?

Here’s what men and anyone who actually looks good in lingerie might not realize: women who are not terribly comfortable in their bodies don’t like to dress them up in brightly colored, tight-fitting contraptions.  Most people actually look far better naked than they do in oddly designed undergarments.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that Victoria’s secret is that she doesn’t even wear underwear because they make her butt look big.

Fast forward to this week.  After ten years of marriage and a variety of hits and misses in the present department (low: a broken necklace, high: diamond earrings – SCORE), that boy and that girl who fought over that little pink bag of nonsense had come to an understanding.  The truth is that gifts make me uncomfortable and create awkward moments.  Last week when I saw my husband hovering over his laptop protectively, I felt a wave of nausea.  He hadn’t asked me what I wanted for my birthday, so if he was on some hunt for the perfect present, it was going to end badly.  I caught his gaze and very sternly said, “No birthday presents.”  I don’t remember his response because at that point I was mentally already in the corner, curled up in a fetal position.

Why am I telling you all of this and what does this have to do with Mamavation?  The answer to the former is that I have an issue with boundaries and I habitually overshare.  You’re welcome.  The answer to the latter is that when I returned from a social media conference on Sunday, I was wiped out, ready to get some sleep, physically drained.  As of today I am down thirty pounds thanks to the Mamavation sistahs and @Bookieboo, but when I stand naked in the shower, I look down and see the exact same body, only smaller.  Trying on clothing for the conference wasn’t much easier than it was a year and thirty pounds ago.  The items I’m trying on are three sizes smaller, but look the same to me.  In fact, right now my favorite body part is my shoulder.  My shoulder.  Everything else is still stuck in purgatory between love and hate.  So tired, exhausted, worn out from having to be “on” for four days, I walked into my bedroom at half past bedtime to find a giant, pink box sitting on the bed.  ”An early birthday present” were the words that greeted me.  For me?

Apparently every ten years men purge all memories of past relationship mistakes and begin making them all over again.

My husband is an amazing man who is phenomenally supportive and has cheered me on through my weight loss journey.  He loves me big, he loves me small.  And apparently he likes pink.  That’s the only answer I can come up with…

I put on a brave face, but inside I was screaming, “Don’t buy things to put on my body!  I am not that comfortable with what I buy to put on my body! Why do you think that you know what feels good on me?”  Bottoms?  Too big.  Tops?  Too small.  So here I am thirty pounds lighter and still dealing with some major insecurities.  And a big box of stuff under my bed.  Husbands, let this be a cautionary tale.  Gift card.  GIFT.  CARD.

Post Script: Why Mamavation Monday on Tuesday? Great question. It took me 48 hours to write this and so my birthday his now nearly over along with Mamavation Monday.  My other birthday presents?  A desk lamp, a work out shirt, and a gray fleece…to match my gray fleece.  Seriously, guys, just hand us the cash.

Post Post Script. Or Post Script Script. Addendum: This was not my only gift. I also received two slips of paper good for dinner and a night at our local theater. Because my husband’s idea of theater is Farrelly not Stoppard, I’ll probably trade them in for movie tickets and save theater night for when my girlfriends are in town visiting. But it was a great idea!!

Comments

  1. 1
    Kay (@ACSKay) says:

    I don’t know whether to laugh or cry for you. Funny for sure. But, proud that you have lost 30 pounds and hope your mind catches up with your body. And jealous you have a supporting husband to buy you ‘bad’ presents. Hopefully some good presents in there to balance the others. And, maybe a learning curve to the present presenters that the Holidays will be good to you!

  2. 2
    Kelly
    Follow on Twitter: centsiblelife
    says:

    I know how frustrating it can be when we aren’t in a place where we love our bodies (hello, still in that place!), but the thing is he’s telling you with his gift, “You look amazing.” :I love you….and your body.” and some other things not made for blog comments. ;)

    He doesn’t see what you do-the flaws you see. He sees the woman he loves, and he wants to show her that. He sees someone he still loves, and wants to be with after all these years.

    Next time, say thanks. Take them back and get something that does fit, and forget what you se for a minute, and see yourself through his eyes. I promise it’s worth it.

  3. 5
    Mamaspeyton says:

    Hilarious! Couldn’t agree more!!

  4. 6

    I know I shouldn’t try to be funny about this, but I use humor as a, well, everything from a weapon to deflector array.

    So I have to say:

    1) the bottoms were too big so they would fall off

    2) the top was too small so things would pop out

    Maybe you could return the favor and buy him a loincloth or something? Zebra striped speedo?
    Terri K (@tkharmonic) recently posted..tkharmonic: I gave @msrock4ever +K about Medicare on @klout http://t.co/6AnsldAL

  5. 8

    Amy I really hope he has learned his lesson!
    Gena recently posted..Giveaway Monday November 7, 2011

    • 9
      Amy
      Follow on Twitter: ResourcefulMom
      says:

      Well, I may have sent the wrong message by pulling an item out of the box. Parents and their mixed messages. Oops.

  6. 10

    Congrats on the weight loss! That’s a big deal. Your mind will catch up and hopefully one day see the beautiful self your husband sees…in tacky pink lingerie or not.:)

    I also think it’s his way of saying he thinks you’re beautiful and sexy and that’s not too bad.

    As for now, sounds like you’ve got some grey fleece on fleece to wear if you like. :)

    • 11
      Amy
      Follow on Twitter: ResourcefulMom
      says:

      Yes, that is exactly what he said, that the message he wanted to send is that I am beautiful and sexy. My response, while fighting back tears, was, “I’m not beautiful and sexy in my Target jammies?” I guess I have to give him that one. And woohoo for double fleece!

  7. 12

    Your comment about losing 30 pounds and still seeing the same body only smaller really resonates with me. What is that? I can only hope as we keep doing the work we can figure out how to like what we have. Maybe we should have started with that before the diet.

    My husband’s never made the lingerie mistake, but that’s probably because I made such a huge stink our first year of marriage when HIS MOTHER bought us matching adult items for Christmas for us to open in front of everyone. He’s still pretty traumatized by that gift and my reaction.

    • 13
      Amy
      Follow on Twitter: ResourcefulMom
      says:

      OMG, my husband’s sister once bought me a bunch of thongs (homey don’t play that) and his mom for the longest time – God bless her and her good intentions – bought me clothing item after clothing item that was FAR too small. At one point I yelled to my husband, “Why doesn’t your mom realize you married a fat girl!?!?!” Horrifying.

  8. 14

    Your birthday, he bought a present for himself.

  9. 16

    Amy, you have such a way with words, you always suck me into a story!

    All I can say is, he tried. Maybe it was an epic fail … but VERY, VERY soon, your daughter will be able to help him to pick out your gifts! ;)

    My husband doesn’t attempt to try – if I don’t leave a list, I don’t get anything! ;) Make an Amazon wishlist and email it to your hubby!

    PS: My favorite line: “The answer to the former is that I have an issue with boundaries and I habitually overshare. You’re welcome.”
    Sara @Doodle741 recently posted..Project COMPLETE!

  10. 19
    Dada Rocks
    Follow on Twitter: Dadarocks
    says:

    Let’s start with happy birthday. Let’s then quickly move on to the point your husband actually got you a gift!!! That’s big in some places I don’t remember the last time I purchased a gift before hand and not having it come from a drug store.
    Yes men like pink/red and maybe black its a visual cue.

    The next are larger points of marriage – we are married to you – we know your bodies – and while it’s a gift for you. It’s really a gift for us too. As a husband I know no matter what my wife puts on it’ll look good to me.

    Finally elephants never forget – sadly as husbands we just never listen!
    Dada Rocks recently posted..Godspell returns to Broadway in this modern revival – Discount Code & Ticket Giveaway

    • 20
      Amy
      Follow on Twitter: ResourcefulMom
      says:

      “Finally elephants never forget – sadly as husbands we just never listen!”

      Bwahahahahahaha :)

  11. 21
    Tonia Sanders
    Follow on Twitter: TheChattyMomma
    says:

    LOL…I thought I was silly for loving my shoulders so much. I was sure no one else on earth even thought of them.

    They are by far the best body part evaaaa, but I cannot tell a lie. I recently posted thanking Victoria’s Secret for the free panties and $10 off any bra coupon they just sent to my hubs.

    I’m all about the lingerie! ;)

    Happy Belated!
    Tonia Sanders recently posted..Ricki Lake & Derek Hough – Another Dance Match Made in Heaven

  12. 22

    That was funny, and sad. I can’t believe 30 pounds lighter and you aren’t running around naked! We are our own worst critics – it’s such a shame – I do the same thing though. How can we women ever stop doing that to ourselves. Congrats on the weight loss – that is a huge deal! And I bet you look amazing!
    Stephanie @ Figments of a Mom recently posted..How do you deal with lying?

    • 23
      Amy
      Follow on Twitter: ResourcefulMom
      says:

      Truth? I am totally running around naked :) HOWEVER, pink lace? That still scares the bejeezus out of me. I am still not comfortable with how clothing looks on this strange new body, and I think that is unfortunately going to take some time. Baby steps!

  13. 24
    JoeyfromSC says:

    Hope your birthday yesterday was great..WOW @ the pink gift lol..I agree with Dada Rocks! He at least DID think of you and buy a gift ha…Typical man I suppose.

    I’ve been with my honey 10 years(as of 10/28 this year lol) and I would just be thankful to GET a gift haha..Many anniversaries & many birthdays forgotten sadly:(

    rofl@the thongs you received too! omgosh haha

    • 25
      JoeyfromSC says:

      Oh and I guess I am like a woman in many ways rofl..I remember EVERY date..birthday, anniversary, etc…That’s why my brain is so clogged haha

  14. 26
    TechyDad
    Follow on Twitter: TechyDad
    says:

    I’m awful when it comes to buying presents for my wife: Especially jewelry. What seems like a great idea at the time winds up in her jewelry drawer, never to be worn again. (And it was such a cute cockatoo earring/necklace set also!) The worst was when I bought a necklace that B had been saying she wanted for a few months. Then, when I gave it to her, she exclaimed “You paid HOW MUCH for this?!!!” (Although that’s the one piece of jewelry that I gave her that she actually wears.)

    Of course, in my defense, it’s not easy shopping for my wife. She doesn’t like chocolate. She hates seeing flowers die. She’s allergic to perfume and doesn’t want me spending cash on jewelry.

    We’ve pretty much agreed on a “let’s put the money we’d spend on gifts towards a vacation” approach. Works for me. I’d rather spend a week in Disney World with her than nervously wonder whether she’ll like the earrings I picked out.
    TechyDad recently posted..DVR With a Mind of Its Own

    • 27
      Amy
      Follow on Twitter: ResourcefulMom
      says:

      Please take the last paragraph of you comment and email it to every man in the world. THIS IS PERFECT.

  15. 28

    I am SO glad you wrote this. I feel like it could’ve easily been played out in our house as well. Nice to know I am not alone.

    PS. My birthday is Sunday and I think I’ve dodged the bullet!
    Felicia recently posted..Crock Pot Mexican Lasagna {recipe}

  16. 29

    I’m so, so glad you wrote this post. I’ve been Googling the topic and, apparently, there are women out there complaining because they WANT their partners to buy them fancy under things. I am not one of those people. My boyfriend and I are celebrating our first Christmas together this year. He works overseas and will be home just in time for the holiday. We’ve been Skyping every day and giddily hinting about the awesome present(s) we have for one another. I was really excited until today … he said one of my gifts might be naughty. I have a pretty cute body, but it’s not quite where I’d like it. I need to lose about 25 pounds. I’ve been putting off buying new clothes for myself because I just don’t even want to try on new clothes in this shape. I’m so self-conscious and miserable. But he thinks I’m “hot”. And I’m afraid he bought me lingerie. And I don’t want to put it on. It takes all of my courage just to get naked. I’m more comfortable naked than in a bikini, though … small stripes of cloth have a way of nestling into plump areas and accentuating flaws. I am not in a place in my life where I want lingerie!! I don’t know how I’ll react if he bought me some–he is the type who will bug me to wear it, too. I won’t be able to discretely tuck it into my dresser to be forgotten. UGH. Even if I was at my fittest, I am still quite shy and a control freak about selecting what cut/cloth/color of clothing flatters me best. :(

    • 30
      Amy
      Follow on Twitter: ResourcefulMom
      says:

      I’m with you! Naked feels more comfortable. Look at it this way – if he bought you something, use it as an opportunity to start a conversation about what DOES make you feel comfortable and sexy and why – yes! – those two things do go together :) Good luck!

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